How (not) to be a pirate... or a lesson in how (not) to go boating.

Life sometimes gets in the way of boating. So, here are a few reminders to gently ease you back into life on the river. This is especially useful if, like me, you've forgotten what to do.

  1. Upon setting off untie your own mooring lines and not those belonging to your neighbour's boat. Never admit to anyone that you have made such a schoolboy error.

  2. Always make sure you are travelling on the proper side of the river. Just like driving on a road there is a right and wrong way. There are various tactics you can employ to ensure you get this right - the most obvious one is to look at the skipper of the oncoming boat. If he/she is waving their arms madly at you and shouting obscenities then you can safely assume that you should move to the clear water and pretend that you knew this all along. Another way is to remember the following phrase: THE OTHER SIDE, NUMPTY.

  3. Make sure you have enough fuel to get to your intended destination. It's no good just hoping for the best and then hitting a sandbank that tilts your boat so the engine runs dry. Your engine will also agree with this.

  4. If you forget the above send your hubby, who should be nicely pickled in Pimms by now, back to your home mooring to fetch the bike that you forgot to take. Tell him to collect fuel and cycle it back to you.

  5. Call out your neighbour to rescue you. Confuse him by being indecisive as to whether you actually need rescuing or not. Make it absolutely clear that you did NOT phone him to brag about your own idiocy. You should never tell anyone about that.

  6. Stare forlornly at the engine and shout words of love and encouragement as it gasps and chokes and dies. As a last resort tell it that you'll only have to make it bleed if it doesn't start.

  7. Cheer madly when the engine responds to these barbaric threats and turn the damn boat around and go home before you actually break something.

  8. Never admit to anyone that you ran out of fuel. An exploding engine or any other form of breakdown is fine. Running out of diesel is a sign that you really ought not to be allowed on the waterways... at least not without adult supervision.

  9. If anybody asks pretend you meant to breakdown. Claim it was an exercise in boat handling and competency.

  10. Make no comment about failing the above exercise.


A Heron's View said...

Of course you could put a large red L & then everyone will know you are learning :)

valonia said...

Oddly enough:

Need I say more?


Math Charlton said...

Good to see you back on the blogging circuit. Hope to see you soon in the - er - real-world circuit.

Math x

VallyP said...

I've just discovered your blog only to read you are selling your narrowboat...:( I hesitate to be so direct when I have only just arrived here, but why do you want to live on land? I can't imagine you will enjoy it after a life on the water...I know I'd find it very hard.

valonia said...

Hello Math, thank you. It's good to be back. At this rate it (hopefully) won't be too long before I'm back in the real world -and I really look forward to see you then. :)

Good to see you blogging. Keep it up!
x Suz

Hello VallyP, Thank you for visiting my blog.
It will be a couple of years until we are realistically ready to sell and try life as landlubbers. We are very attached to life on the water. I think, whatever happens, we'll eventually end up back on the river again.
x Valonia

Zhoen said...

At least you are back messing about in boats.

DJ said...

Sorry about, exercise.
But I'm pleased to read your blog again. Enjoy your paths ~

valonia said...

Thank you, both. It's grand to be back. :)