HMS LCTNOITRMWWTLI goes for a run. Well, it was more of an amble.

Yes, we took the old girl (or should that be boy since we gave the boat a masculine name?) out to stretch her (his?) legs and have a break from all the DIY.


We didn’t go too far, just far enough to get away from the hustle and bustle of our home mooring. There’s a secret spot that only the locals know and where the world can pass you by in relative silence. I say relative because the geese were noisy beggars and kept up with regular swim-by honkings.






The only folk we met on the river were the inmates of HMS Salter’s Party Boat of Loud Disco Noises or Goring, if you prefer its proper name.









We disguised ourselves as a grassy bank:







Actually, I don’t think the spot is that much of a secret because there was a well used fire pit. I started the camp fire whilst the hubby wasn’t looking (I deny all accusations that I have a habit of accidentally setting things on fire).







Rob also took the opportunity to stand in a field and play his mandolin. The lengths some musicians will go to to get their music heard. He did a great rendition of Postman Pat though. Yes, that was one of my requests...




I think I drank a gallon of tea whilst Rob pickled himself slowly in rum. That made winning at cards that evening a lot easier but it did mean I had to do some proper crewing on the way home the following morning whist Rob recovered.



Was lovely to get out onto the river again. Hopefully, we'll do it a lot more.














Job #2 Prod the shower pump with a stick.

And so I did. This is no lie. I also threatened it with a hammer but we don't talk about that.

In all fairness, there wasn't anything wrong with the pump per se; it just needed a little bit of love and de-limescaling.

The plumbing from the shower to the pump, on the other hand, needed a bit more work (and prodding with a stick). I probably didn’t help matters with my over exuberance to get the work done (let’s just say that water was draining into the bilges for a little while).

In the end, Rob bought me this:

Who knew a plunger could be so much fun? And who knew how much limescale grit could get stuck in a plug hole?

This really isn’t an exciting post.

We now have a shower that drains remarkably well though.

Shame we don’t actually have any running hot water.

Ooh, could that be job #3?

DIY? Yes, I know I'm not to be trusted.

We've decided that since I've far too much spare time on my hands I should attempt to fix the boat.

So, I made a list of all the jobs that need to be done. It went something like this:

FIX THE DAMN BOAT.

No, it isn't actually a list I know, but if I actually wrote one then I'd reach old age by the time it was finished and I really wouldn't be up for much DIY. And the boat would've sunk. So I thought I'd keep it simple.

So, job #1. Fix the lights.

This was a pesky one. You know there's that job you've been meaning to tackle for the last few years but have been putting it off because the last time you tried to fix it you just made it worse? Well, okay, you might have done it properly the first time round but read my bio, it says I'm rubbish at DIY. Anyway...

It really was a simple job: a 2 minute attach-a-wire type affair, only to get to the wire I had to take the ceiling down first. Not so difficult really, I know, but you have to factor in that to get the ceiling down I had to chip away at polyfilla-ed screws. 25 of them to be exact and that can make you lose the will to live.

The last time I did this job it went swimmingly right up until I put everything back together and the wire for the light fitting fell out. So I left it dangling for a year and a half whilst I cursed at it and gave it the Evil Eye. It turned out that this didn’t help fix it at all, which is why, on Tuesday I tackled the job once again. It took 4 hours to remove the polyfilla from the screws; it took 30 seconds to pull the ceiling panel down:
I reattached the wire for the light and gave it a good tug this time (not chancing that problem again). I then set about my one woman job of putting the ceiling back together.

I failed, but it wasn’t from lack of trying. The ceiling panel was big and I’m little. I could hold the panel in place but I didn’t have a spare hand to secure it. I tried using my head but even that wasn’t big enough. In the end I resorted to bullying Smiles, my neighbour, into helping.
And so, tadda:

I promptly showed off my magnificent handy work and the fuse tripped. I tried showing off the lights a few more times and each time they tripped and left me light-less. So, I returned to cursing it and giving it the Evil Eye and planned never to attempt to fix it again. It was to stay like that, a constant reminder as to why I should never do DIY. It would be my bargaining tool with the hubby in a “Do you really want me to try and fix that? Look what happened the last time I tried. Really dear, you should fix it yourself,” kind of way.

But Rob, the ever practical chap that he is, suggested trying a different light bulb. So I did and it worked. There was much whooping and even a victory dance.

We now have working lights and this is good news.
Unfortunately, it also means that I’m forced to tackle job #2.
Plumbing.
I’ll let you know how it goes...

How (not) to be a pirate... or a lesson in how (not) to go boating.

Life sometimes gets in the way of boating. So, here are a few reminders to gently ease you back into life on the river. This is especially useful if, like me, you've forgotten what to do.





  1. Upon setting off untie your own mooring lines and not those belonging to your neighbour's boat. Never admit to anyone that you have made such a schoolboy error.

  2. Always make sure you are travelling on the proper side of the river. Just like driving on a road there is a right and wrong way. There are various tactics you can employ to ensure you get this right - the most obvious one is to look at the skipper of the oncoming boat. If he/she is waving their arms madly at you and shouting obscenities then you can safely assume that you should move to the clear water and pretend that you knew this all along. Another way is to remember the following phrase: THE OTHER SIDE, NUMPTY.

  3. Make sure you have enough fuel to get to your intended destination. It's no good just hoping for the best and then hitting a sandbank that tilts your boat so the engine runs dry. Your engine will also agree with this.

  4. If you forget the above send your hubby, who should be nicely pickled in Pimms by now, back to your home mooring to fetch the bike that you forgot to take. Tell him to collect fuel and cycle it back to you.

  5. Call out your neighbour to rescue you. Confuse him by being indecisive as to whether you actually need rescuing or not. Make it absolutely clear that you did NOT phone him to brag about your own idiocy. You should never tell anyone about that.

  6. Stare forlornly at the engine and shout words of love and encouragement as it gasps and chokes and dies. As a last resort tell it that you'll only have to make it bleed if it doesn't start.

  7. Cheer madly when the engine responds to these barbaric threats and turn the damn boat around and go home before you actually break something.

  8. Never admit to anyone that you ran out of fuel. An exploding engine or any other form of breakdown is fine. Running out of diesel is a sign that you really ought not to be allowed on the waterways... at least not without adult supervision.

  9. If anybody asks pretend you meant to breakdown. Claim it was an exercise in boat handling and competency.

  10. Make no comment about failing the above exercise.

Goodbye, dearest Lewsey.

Lewsey.
28.02.2008 - 07.09.2010
You will always be loved and will never be forgotten. Just, please, dear girl, promise not to pick any more fights with cars in the next world.

We miss you terribly, already.

We love you.